My Husbands Smell Is Gone.

Tonight I made my way to my closet to pick out a t-shirt to wear to bed. Instead of reaching for one of my usual choices I found my way to my husbands side of the closet. This is a place I often find myself going to on a bad day. When I reached for one of his shirts I instantly smiled thinking of him giving me trouble if he saw me wearing it. He would say that it was one of his best undershirts, or that I would stretch out the collar.

When I took it off the hanger I stopped and engulfed my whole face in the shirt and took a good long breathe. I was instantly overwhelmed with emotion. I could feel him all around me, but his smell was gone. We are just over ten days shy of the six month mark and his smell is gone. I start smelling every t-shirt, polo, and dress shirt he owns. Nothing. Not even the sacred navy blue polo that was worn nearly every other day. The shirt that he had such a deep connection with that he rarely put it in the wash. Nothing. My husbands smell is gone.

I was broken. I felt instantly swallowed by the reality of this ghost I live with. My husband is gone. Now his smell is gone too. The Army has taken him away from me and now I live my life married to a two dimensional computer husband. I spend every second of my day on alert waiting to hear that whisp sound letting me know he is on the computer. The kids and I rush over to get our ten minutes of what has become our new normal. Touch and smell are no longer a part of our relationship. Only the idea of those things keep us going. Another day crossed off the calendar and one day closer to wrapping our arms around each other and taking a long deep breathe in.