Kissing Daddy Goodbye

Putting your husband on a plane to Iraq is a feeling that I hope few of you ever have to experience. The day leading up to the send off is pure agony! All of a sudden it is here. You go through life pretending and hoping that it won't really happen. In your mind you tell yourself that his number won't get called up. Troops will be pulled, and he won't have to leave again. Then when you can't pretend anymore the reality is unbearable.

Kevin and I spent the day trying to play catch up on our relationship. Apologizing for all the unnecessary anger, hurtful words, and actions throughout the past year. These meaningless things that many times overtook our relationship due to the deployment cloud that lingers in our lives. Kevin and Jonah tossed the football around in the backyard and ended the evening with a water balloon war. All of the things that life hasn't allowed you time to do you find yourself trying to soak up in your last few hours together. Time quickly becomes your enemy.

Kevin left in the middle of the night, so with the kids both snoring in the back we started the painful drive. When we arrived soldiers and families filled the parking lot. It is an unbelievable feeling to witness this site. Your heart wells up with grief for everyone around you. If it wasn't real before, without question it is now. At this point Kevin goes into protection/work mode. Me on the other hand just go into meltdown mode. My husband can't handle the wait or the pain so he requests that we say our goodbyes.

Last deployment our goodbye was short and sweet. It was our first and we didn't know what to expect or the pain involved. This deployment we know what to expect so the goodbye was heart wrenching. There are no words to describe it. How do you say goodbye to your partner for a year. How do you say goodbye knowing that you may never see each other again. How do you say goodbye to the father of your children knowing that now it's completely up to you to raise the kids. How do you say goodbye knowing that Gracie at 5 months doesn't know what's happening or that her Daddy is being taken away. She loves her Daddy! If I say, "Daddy's home, or where's Daddy," she instantly stops what she is doing and looks around to find him. A beautiful huge grinning smile at the sight of her Daddy. How do you say goodbye knowing that Jonah at 6 years old is now without his wrestling buddy and the strongest male influence in his life. My children losing those things hurts beyond anything else.

Suddenly what I am doing by staying home with the kids seems small and insignificant compared to what my husband is getting ready to go through. Saying goodbye to my husband, I have no words for. Pulling away and driving home was a daze. I found myself going 30mph in a 70mph zone on numerous occasions. I kept waiting to get pulled over, but hoping that once the police officer saw our windows painted with hearts, yellow ribbons, and SGT Ward our hero they would just keep driving by. Walking into our home at 4a.m. without our Daddy was a moment I was dreading. Losing that one element leaves the home with an quiet emptiness that is almost haunting.

The countdown begins. A long painful year waiting for the Army to bring Kevin home to us again. From this moment forward we live day by day and minute by minute. Keep Kevin in your thoughts and prayers until our hero is home safe.

Please Leave Your Shoes At The Door.

Anyone who has been in my home knows that I have a strict rule about shoes off in the house. To me there is nothing dirtier than the bottom of a shoe. If you don't believe me just retrace your steps for a couple of days and then I have no doubt you'll agree. Parking lots, public restroom floors, gas spills at the gas pump, animal feces, etc. If you want those kind of germs in your home that's fine, but when you are in mine they can stay outside where they belong.

I became OCD about this after the birth of Jonah. Kids live on the floor. Jonah at six years old is still on the floor in some capacity everyday. Gracie at 5 months old is on the floor all day everyday, and is usually putting her mouth on it as well. Most people are very respectful of the shoes off request, but then I always have the select few who just don't get it. I have a sign on my front door with a very simple request to kindly remove your shoes in respect of the little hands in our home. Despite this I still have the occasional guest that thinks it does not apply to them as if their shoes are somehow the exception to the rule. In Asian cultures you would not dream of entering the home with your shoes on. Why is it ok in ours?

If you need more reassurance as to what's on the bottom of your shoes and why you should re-think allowing them to remain on in your home check out the following link filled with shoe germ facts. Shoes at the door please!

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Consumer/Story?id=5177409&page=1

A Sunday Nap

So much to do and so little time to do it in. Our day has been filled with putting together Gracie's new crib, mounting the tv above the fireplace, baby proofing, and re-arranging lots of furniture to make everything fit into our cozy home. For the first time in two years since we have moved into this home I finally feel as if we are living here. I am pulling out photos and knick knacks I have had stored in boxes awaiting what I thought was a new move into a bigger home. Now that we made the decision to stay it finally feels like home. A Sunday nap was definitely deserved by Daddy. Baby joined too!

Teriyaki Chicken

This is a super easy crock pot dinner.

4-6 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
10 oz. Soy Vay Veri Veri Teriyaki Sauce
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 bottle beer
1 Tbsp. black pepper

Pierce chicken on all sides with a fork or a meat tenderizer. Place all ingredients into a crock pot and cook on low for approximately 6 hours until falling apart. Serve over rice pilaf with a side of veggies. Enjoy!

Deployment Black Cloud

With deployment less than a week away the black cloud is creeping closer and closer. It hovers over our lives and engulfs every aspect of our family. From the time Kevin returns from one deployment, until he is on the plane again on his way towards another we feel the cloud hovering above us. It never truly leaves your mind making it impossible to relax and enjoy your lives together. You find yourself placing a protection barrier between yourself and the pain. It hurts too much to love each other, but on the other side of that it also hurts not to love each other.

Now we are deep in protection mode. Everyone is walking around on pins and needles with a melt down around every corner. No one wants to talk about it, but yet it's all around us. The sadness is so intense that no one can bare to look each other in the eyes let alone stop and come face to face with the pain.

Everything about deployment is painful and truly awful! All we can do is hold on for dear life day by day in anticipation of his return. I find myself hating everyone and everything as it creeps closer. All I want to do is crawl in bed and stay there until it's all over. Unfortunately for me that's not an option. My children need me to pretend to be strong when the cloud arrives and takes daddy away from us for a long year. It's here and it hurts!

Play Dough

Quick and easy homemade play dough recipe. We love this! It lasts several weeks in a zip lock bag.

1 cup flour
1/2 cup salt
1 cup water
1 Tbsp. vegetable oil
2 tsp. cream of tarter

Heat all ingredients in a saucepan on medium low heat until a smooth ball forms. Add your child's favorite color of food coloring, and mix until blended. Allow to cool completely before you hand it off to the kiddos. Have fun!

Baby Teeth

Look at those cheeks!! I just couldn't resist posting this shot. Gracie yesterday at 20 weeks finding her thumb while we were sitting outside watching the trees. The right side of her mouth has really been putting her to the test as those baby teeth irritate her gums in their attempt to surface. We are definitely teething!

Chocolate Sheet Cake

This recipe comes from a family friend, Diane Leis. She lived one block down the street from our family growing up, and her daughter was one of my best friends. To this day I have memories of Diane eating a piece of this cake with pure joy on her face! This is a big sheet cake and is great for school or church events.

Cake:

2 cups sugar
2 cups flour
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. cloves
1 stick butter
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/3 cup cocoa
1 cup water
2 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 tsp. baking soda

Mix sugar, flour, cinnamon, and salt. In saucepan bring butter, oil, cocoa, and water to a boil. Once boiling pour over dry ingredients and mix well. Dissolve baking soda in milk; then add milk, baking soda,& vanilla to mixture and mix well. Pour into a 16 x 11 inch sheet pan. Bake at 400 degrees for approximately 20 minutes. Remove from oven and frost cake while hot.

Frosting:

1 stick butter
4 Tbsp. cocoa
1 tsp. vanilla
6 Tbsp. milk
1/2 bag powdered sugar
1 cup chopped pecans, optional

Melt butter, cocoa, and milk over low heat. Slowly bring up to a boil. Whisk in your powdered sugar, vanilla, and nuts. Pour over hot cake.

Cover and place in fridge until it is set up. Cut into lots and lots of pieces and enjoy!

Kevin's Going Away Party

This past Saturday in light of Kevin's upcoming deployment we threw a going away party. A year without a drink is a long time for any of us, so believe it or not I gave the ok for a keg! Originally it was intended to be family and close friends only. Once word of a keg got out within Kevin's unit, the next thing I knew we were having two kegs and every soldier within his headquarters was invited.

Overall the evening seemed to be a success. Everyone brought side dishes and we grilled hamburgers. The food went over despite the swarm of flies attacking all evening. Kevin was very angry at 2 a.m. drunk and hungry when he found out that I had thrown out all of the fly infested leftovers.

Believe it or not we are still nursing the first keg. Despite ample efforts by the boys to finish it off with late night keg stands, it is still going strong three days later. We are selling the second keg as it would take me a good year to polish off a keg alone. The party remained under control and wrapped itself up by midnight. Drinking jack shots out of $250 Stetson hats was as rowdy as it got.

I officially cut off all house access when I discovered pee on the floor in my bathroom. Not a little, but a lot! That was the end for me. It was pee exclusively outside after that. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a little OCD when it comes to the cleanliness of my home. Pee on the floor! You can only imagine the Clorox that came out!

I'm glad Kevin got to have some fun with his fellow soldiers and enjoy a few too many drinks and cigars. He may not remember the burgers, but he is sure to remember the faces of everyone who came to show their love. Thanks to all of our family and friends for being a part of our lives and supporting us through another deployment.

First Grade Here He Comes!

There goes my baby! First Grade in a brand new school. I can't believe how grown up he is! Today started the beginning of a new school year. Although I was definitely ready for summer to be over I was still sad to see him go this morning. We found out the end of last week that they did not have room for him at his old school in Manhattan. That combined with the fact that our home has still not sold brought us to the decision to pull our house off the market and put him into the local school here in Wamego one block from our home. It only makes sense. We can walk to school everyday and now he will be able to make friends locally. Kevin will no longer have to worry about us moving when he is gone. We will stay put until the end of the school year and try and put the house on the market next summer.

This school starts 35 minutes earlier than our old school so you can imagine the moans and groans I got this morning trying to get him out of bed. It will take a good two weeks for us to get into a new routine. Bedtime can no longer be midnight and he can no longer sleep in until 10 a.m.

I couldn't help but be a mess of nerves and scared for him as I dropped him off at a brand new school. He held my hand as we walked in, but as soon as we found his classroom he went into Joe Cool mode and I was quickly forgotten. He dropped my hand and wanted nothing to do with me. At 3:20 when I pick him up I'll probably get the standard response when I ask about his day. Boring as usual. I only hope that I see a grin on his face with that response.

ADT Secured

We have security! After weighing all of our options ADT came and installed our security system Monday. When the installer arrived I was immediately feeling uncomfortable. For whatever reason my stomach was in knots and I felt as if something was just not right. I couldn't figure out if it was just simply the fear of the whole situation with my husband leaving becoming more and more of a reality, or the fact that the installer looked like he just stepped out of an episode of America's Most Wanted. I quickly started thinking the worst. Kevin felt fine about the events so I tried to relax once everything was installed and the installer was out of my house and on his way.

The next morning I walked into the kitchen to inspect the work. Now keep in mind that my husband was suppose to oversee this work as it was taking place. When I turned the corner to the top of my basement steps I was far from pleased with what I saw! The phone jack cover they had installed on the back side of our wall was way to wide to allow us access to our pull down attic door. Not only that, but there was now a very large obnoxious hole filled with silicone in my wall. I was immediately on the phone with my husband and the ADT rep.

Our ADT reps solution was to come over and create a bigger hole shoving the phone jack into the wall as to allow us access to our attic. What! I don't think so! His second solution was to cover everything with a metal plate. Wow! A metal plate. Why didn't I think of that. I mean that would make my wall look so much better!!

So, the solution is that we don't have a solution at this point. Regardless of the hole, we now have security to help us sleep better at night when Kevin leaves. I will no longer have to go searching for my bread knife when I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night. Ok, I'm lying. I will most likely still sleep with it next to the bed. Who am I really kidding! Kevin honey, you can now sleep peacefully in Iraq knowing that ADT is watching over us. Although like me I know you won't.

Just Another Saturday

You can find me in the closet. That's right! Curled up quietly thinking and having a good cry. That's what I needed today. If you've never found yourself in the closet you should try it sometime. I can't begin to tell you how quiet and therapeutic it is. No one knows where you are. Just you and the clothes.

Of course it never lasts long enough. Before you know it someone is crying and needs to be held, or someone is calling your name. Five minutes without Mama and the whole house falls apart. At least that's how it can feel. On one hand it's endearing that your family needs you to get through every moment of the day, but on the other hand it means becoming completely selfless as you devote every second to your family and their needs placing your own somewhere way beyond reach.

When you become a mom you officially write off all privacy and selfishness. I can't even begin to tell you the last time I went to the bathroom alone. Someone is always with me. Someone is following behind my heels or attached to my hip until I brush my teeth and climb into bed at night. Oh but it does not stop there. Gracie is currently co-sleeping and lately for whatever reason Jonah is finding his way to the bottom of our bed in the middle of the night too. As I type this Jonah is right here next to me talking away about the latest toy he is saving for while pulling my hair!!

Alone time is rare so I take it when and where I can. Grabbing those quick seconds for a deep breathe and a good cry make me a better mom at the end of the day. Someones crying and it's not me. My five minutes are up.

He did it!

He did it! Jonah is officially riding on two wheels! All of that non-stop complaining, and yesterday he took off. Once he got it there was no stopping him. Up and down the sidewalk he rode, over and over again! The best part about it was how proud of himself he was. When we came inside I told him that he definitely deserved a big bowl of chocolate ice cream and some cartoons. He spent the rest of the day grinning ear to ear and talking about it nonstop. Later he came up to me, told me he loved me, gave me a kiss, and said, "Thanks Mama." Wow! Those heart melting words bring all the complaining full circle. Thanks!

Just a little nap.

Today I have a horrible headache. I wanted nothing more than to lay down with my baby girl and take a little nap. Try as I may I can't! I can never nap! What is wrong with me? No matter when or what the circumstances I can never nap! Give birth. Nope! Work an eighteen hour day. Nope! My mind will not shut off. I'm always thinking about what I should be getting done or if my children are breathing and ok.

I blame my father for this looming nap guilt that is always running through my head. Growing up you did not dream of laying on the couch doing nothing. If my sisters and I saw our father pulling in the driveway we would sprint off the couch and race into action pretending that we had been doing something productive. If he was working so were you.

So to this day I can't nap. My husband can lay down for two minutes and be out cold. He likes to say that he's trained to nap anywhere due to being in the military, as catching a quick nap is essential in combat. Maybe I need to enlist in the army to learn this skill. It simply just comes down to me being way to high strung!

At least Gracie can nap. She never naps long, my little cat napper, but she does love to nap off and on all day long.

The Grass Is Always Greener

No matter what we do in life we are never satisfied. We always want the next best thing. We always need and want more. This applies to every aspect of our lives. The two most significant being our careers and our relationships. We go through life constantly living as if the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The side that your not on of course. When do we accept our grass and be happy with it? Do we ever? Should we ever?

When I look back at my career there was never a moment where I was satisfied. I was always reaching for the next best thing. Bigger, better, more! When your working you wish you weren't working, but when your not working you wish you were working. Huh?

I couldn't wait to finally be given the opportunity to stay home with my children. Now that I finally am I'm torn daily with that inner struggle wanting validation that I can only receive from a work environment. I would never give this up, but I would be lying if I said I loved every second of it. It challenges my spirit daily. The rewards and validation come through seeing my children laugh & smile. Seeing Gracie reach every milestone. Getting to hold her as much and as long as I want to everyday. Seeing how much Jonah's behavior has changed in such a short time by finally just being here for him. After years of tossing Jonah in daycare after daycare and coming home too exhausted to give him what he needed. The slightest mention of me going back to work brings on instant tears. That to me speaks mountains about what my children need from me.

These are the things I remind myself of every time I start to sway towards the grass on the other side of the fence. My children come first. The sacrifice is worth the rewards. I will have plenty of time for that greener grass later in life. If in the end it turns out that this is as green as it gets, well then I'm ok with that too!

Baby Poop

Warning! Yes this post is about poop!

For whatever reason boys are fascinated with poop. This became clear with Jonah early on. We went through phases with every bathroom word where it was so hilarious to him resulting in using it well beyond the capacity that he should have. To make it less of a big deal we tried to remain open and talk about these words as if they weren't a big deal. I even bought ever book I could find on the subject to decorate my bathroom with. "The Truth About Poop." "Everyone Poops." "The Gas We Pass." "Once Upon A Potty." "Walter The Farting Dog." On a recent visit my mother in law was far from impressed with this bathroom reading.

He's a boy. Boys are made of Frogs, Snails, & Puppy-dogs' tails. I continue to learn from him daily, and a boys fascination with all things gross is part of their DNA. I grew up with two sisters so this is all new to me. It was thus not surprising when Jonah took a high curiosity to his sisters poop. He acted disgusted, but yet couldn't help but want to see every dirty diaper that Gracie produced. He would then fall to the floor screaming in disgust and run from the room. He began telling everyone we encountered about his sisters glowing poop. Yes to him it seemed to glow.

This week his newest baby poop game has become decontaminating the sector, aka the diaper pail. He puts on his spider man mask, power ranger gloves, and grabs his toy grip claw and heads for the pail. He then takes it into the bathroom and with his claw decontaminates each diaper by removing them from the diaper pail and placing them into the trash can. Cheap entertainment at it's finest! Now every diaper change is a family affair as Jonah stands by waiting for a glowing poop diaper to decontaminate. Time to decontaminate the sector! Somethings I will never understand.