Kissing Daddy Goodbye

Putting your husband on a plane to Iraq is a feeling that I hope few of you ever have to experience. The day leading up to the send off is pure agony! All of a sudden it is here. You go through life pretending and hoping that it won't really happen. In your mind you tell yourself that his number won't get called up. Troops will be pulled, and he won't have to leave again. Then when you can't pretend anymore the reality is unbearable.

Kevin and I spent the day trying to play catch up on our relationship. Apologizing for all the unnecessary anger, hurtful words, and actions throughout the past year. These meaningless things that many times overtook our relationship due to the deployment cloud that lingers in our lives. Kevin and Jonah tossed the football around in the backyard and ended the evening with a water balloon war. All of the things that life hasn't allowed you time to do you find yourself trying to soak up in your last few hours together. Time quickly becomes your enemy.

Kevin left in the middle of the night, so with the kids both snoring in the back we started the painful drive. When we arrived soldiers and families filled the parking lot. It is an unbelievable feeling to witness this site. Your heart wells up with grief for everyone around you. If it wasn't real before, without question it is now. At this point Kevin goes into protection/work mode. Me on the other hand just go into meltdown mode. My husband can't handle the wait or the pain so he requests that we say our goodbyes.

Last deployment our goodbye was short and sweet. It was our first and we didn't know what to expect or the pain involved. This deployment we know what to expect so the goodbye was heart wrenching. There are no words to describe it. How do you say goodbye to your partner for a year. How do you say goodbye knowing that you may never see each other again. How do you say goodbye to the father of your children knowing that now it's completely up to you to raise the kids. How do you say goodbye knowing that Gracie at 5 months doesn't know what's happening or that her Daddy is being taken away. She loves her Daddy! If I say, "Daddy's home, or where's Daddy," she instantly stops what she is doing and looks around to find him. A beautiful huge grinning smile at the sight of her Daddy. How do you say goodbye knowing that Jonah at 6 years old is now without his wrestling buddy and the strongest male influence in his life. My children losing those things hurts beyond anything else.

Suddenly what I am doing by staying home with the kids seems small and insignificant compared to what my husband is getting ready to go through. Saying goodbye to my husband, I have no words for. Pulling away and driving home was a daze. I found myself going 30mph in a 70mph zone on numerous occasions. I kept waiting to get pulled over, but hoping that once the police officer saw our windows painted with hearts, yellow ribbons, and SGT Ward our hero they would just keep driving by. Walking into our home at 4a.m. without our Daddy was a moment I was dreading. Losing that one element leaves the home with an quiet emptiness that is almost haunting.

The countdown begins. A long painful year waiting for the Army to bring Kevin home to us again. From this moment forward we live day by day and minute by minute. Keep Kevin in your thoughts and prayers until our hero is home safe.